Let‘s talk about sex! Or more so, how we communicated our first time having sex with our parents. If we did at all.
I have the real story about how gave my virginity, and then there’s the story I told my mother and let her believe for many years. I had to come clean about having sex when I was 17. My boyfriend at the time and I were using KY Fire & Ice condoms, and they gave me my very first yeast infection (thus my realizing that I needed to cut the fancy shit). I came home crying to my mom because I had no idea what was happening, but she knew what the problem was immediately and how to fix it. Like moms always do. I didn’t tell her the truth about my first time until more than 5 years later. Yes, even I lie sometimes.
The reality is that I had sex for the first time a few days before my 16th birthday with a different boyfriend I had at that time (yes I had a lot of boyfriends, and yes I was probably a little “fast”). He was and is a really nice guy, so no one ever suspected we were exploring sexual boundaries when we were left alone. I figured don‘t ask, don’t tell was applicable here, so neither of us did. Like I said, I don’t lie very often so me purposely withholding the truth from my mom for such a long time was a feat within itself.
I want to digress for a second because I know someone reading this right now might be feeling a little judgmental, so I want to nip that in the bud before it grows. Growing up in Baltimore in the 2000’s, the era of sexual social media and sexting, was a whole different beast. I’m sure other cities had what we called “Dummy Pages” here, but if not I’ll explain. During the formative years from 8th grade until 12th grade, young girls were “exposed” on a variety of social media platforms with videos of them sucking dick in school stairwells, having sex on the bus, getting fingered on the playground, and anything else you could think of. Now of course, being a “dummy“ wasn’t something to be proud of, but it did show us that kids were out here getting nasty at all ages. So at 15 to 16, a lot of my friends were also having their first sexual encounters and it wasn’t something that we looked down on each other for. As long as you didn’t get caught.
Back to the point, I finally came clean to my mom about two years ago. She wasn’t too surprised about the truth, but she was surprised I was able to keep it from her for so long. My mother has always facilitated an open, honest line of communication between us, so me not telling the real story right away was more about me having a small rebellion than me thinking she would be upset.
On the other hand, my father doesn’t know anything about my sexual history. I’m not sure if that’s typical in a father-daughter dynamic, but I like it that way. I believe he thinks that I gave my virginity to my husband, but I would hope not considering I came home from my first years of college with a tongue ring and a tramp stamp that was hard to hide. I don’t think he’ll ever ask, and I don’t think it’s a conversation I‘ll ever bring up.
I’ll end this story with an acknowledgment. I intentionally used the word “lost” in the title and “given” in my story because I recognize that every woman’s first time may not have been in her control. My first sexual experience was not in my control, however I was lucky that I was able to shape my experience by the time I felt ready to have a consensual sexual relationship. Whether your gave your flower, or it was taken from you, I hope you are able to have a safe conversation with your family about your experience if you so choose.
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