As I near closer to 25, I'm re-evaluating. The last year of the first-quarter of my life. What am I doing, and why? Am I happy? Am I responsible? How have I changed? What qualities do I want to keep and change over these next 25 years?
To answer the question, I'm BIG faking it. Everyday is a battle between doing what makes me feel good in the present, and taking steps to do things that I know will bring me joy in the future. My first priority is protecting my mental and physical well-being. When I relied on other people to make my health decisions, I ended up overweight and out of shape. So, in the last few years I learned that the health of my relationships directly reflects my personal health. Which leads to my second priority, my marriage. Being a good wife, and building the life I want with my husband is extremely important to me. In order to build our life, I have to invest myself into my third priority - career. Putting in long hours with long drives to gain the necessary experience to build my own organization. But experience isn't everything, knowledge and education are necessary ingredients to success. That takes us to my fourth priority, school. Nobody told me to go back to school, and University of Baltimore is NOT Virginia State. So This has been one of the biggest struggles for me. Having graduating undergrad early, that fact that my MPA is taking double the time often makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. My last priority is my maintaining my relationships with family and friends.
There are times when I know I'm on my game, and times I know I'm fucking up. Right now, I'm slacking on my physical health. Because I find smoking more relaxing, I have not been making the time to exercise before or after work. Usually opting for a blunt instead. Since I know my physical health is lacking right now, I have been pay attention to my diet and making healthier dining choices. I definitely struggle with being a good wife. When I put my selfishness aside, I am better at fulfilling my husband's needs. But for a self-centered Sagittarius, that can be like pulling teeth. Now that I'm back in the field that I love, I can finally see myself dedicated my time and energy to growing myself at this organization in a ,meaningful way. Yet, I still look for better opportunities because I live in a state of unrest. Always needing something new. Because I'm gaining hands-on experience, my patience for obtaining this degree is low. I don't prioritize homework and research the way I should and a MPA is a writing-based program, so you can't fake that. Without failing. And I did fail my very first online course when I started the MPA program. Trust me, failing hits different when it's your own money being wasted. Luckily, I have family and friends that are understanding and supportive of me. Even when I feel like I should be pouring more into those relationships, they often remind me that they don't want me to deplete myself somewhere else just to give to them.
For those who are taking responsibility, making sacrifices, and working tirelessly to balance their priorities - KUDOS to you! For those faking it, you WILL make it. It might requires hard choices to be made, small discomforts for long-term security. Keep pushing, and give yourself some love because you haven't given up. Faking it means you care, you just haven't perfected your methods of doing life yet.
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